Saturday, August 21, 2010

Pigburger! Pigburger! Pigburger! Pigburger!

Dixson's BBQ off Magnolia Avenue is quite possibly the best place to eat in the whole wide world and specializes in at least four of Eat Me's favorite food groups: barbecue, cake, potato things, and the food group known as Baked Beans. They're only open at the times when you forget they exist, so if you get a craving for a Pigburger Sunday through Wednesday or on Thursday before 4 p.m., you're totally screwed. But if you happen to remember that you want a Pigburger during the twelve hours they're open in any given week, get your ass over there and eat the best potato salad ever, the best baked beans ever and the best cake ever with your pork patty on white bread that oozes the best barbecue sauce ever and requires a fork and knife to properly ingest. OMG.

This is what you'll feel like after eating all this

Sandwich of the Week: The Fatty Bloater

I swear I'm going grocery shopping today and only buying fruits and vegetables because my bare cabinets created a monster this week. Well, actually, Josh created a monster when the only things we had to eat in the house were Stove Top, eggs, bacon and white bread. And Duke's mayonnaise, which as any self-respecting Southerner will tell you is pretty much the gold standard of condiments. Sooooo, we..... made Stove Top and added bacon bits to it? Then turned the Stove Top/bacon mix into patties? And...... (fried them). Then we fried eggs and put the whole ungodly trio on white bread with mayonnaise. And it was DELICIOUS.

We Must Put an End to this Madness!

I think this blog is becoming a bad influence. Jen Rock made a cheeseburger with grilled cheese buns this week. I can only assume it looked something like this

Tuesday, August 17, 2010

Nevermind, I'm back

Eat Me should really just hang up our Handi-Wipes now because we can never beat the unholy terror that is THE WORLD'S STRONGEST BEER SERVED IN A DEAD SQUIRREL. I am not even shitting. See?

We've Got Fanmail!!

Number One Fan and Eat Me muse Jen Rock would like you to know about
THIS PEA PLANT THAT GREW IN A MAN'S LUNG and Tiny Dancer Morgan Fleming is totally on my wavelength as we wilt and die in this stupid August heat with this link for... beer popsicles!
Regarding Mr. Pea Breath, the article enlighteningly (I guess that's not a word, since it is highlighted with a red squiggle underline, but I think it makes perfect sense and will therefore adamantly use it) states:
"It's not the first story about a seed sprouting in a lung, though experts declared that report implausible.
In 2009, a Russian surgeon said he found a tiny fir tree in someone's lung and suggested the patient could have inhaled a seed. Experts said at the time that a fir seed could not germinate in the lung because it needs sunlight.
The pea that Spillane removed from Sveden's lungs had apparently germinated. An expert conceded it was not out of the question for growth to continue inside his chest – but only if the pea wasn't pasteurized."
Okay, then! Keep 'em coming, ya'll. I've been eating only bacon sandwiches for three straight days and that's kind of boring. Liz, tag, you're it.

Friday, August 13, 2010

Don't Listen to Anything This Woman Says

Loud music makes you drink more... wha... ???

I ate one anchovy, and that is why I did not eat two anchovies

This post brought to you by Mitch Hedberg:

I want to get a vending machine, with fun sized candy bars, and the glass in front is a magnifying glass. You'll be mad, but it will be too late.

I went to a pizzeria. The guy gave me the smallest slice possible. If the pizza was a pie chart with what would you do if you found a million dollars, he gave me the "Donate it to charity" slice. "I'd like to exchange this for the 'Keep it!'"

I like rice. Rice is great when you're hungry and you want 2,000 of something.

When you go to a restaurant on the weekends and it's busy so they start a waiting list, they say, "Dufresnes, party of two, table ready for Dufresnes, party of two." And if no one answers they'll say the name again: "Dufresnes, party of two." But then if no one answers, they'll move on to the next name. "Bush, party of three." Yeah, but what happened to the Dufresnes? No one seems to care. Who can eat at a time like this? People are missing. You people are selfish. The Dufresnes are in someone's trunk right now, with duct tape over their mouths. And they're hungry. That's a double whammy. We need help. "Bush, search party of three. You can eat once you find the Dufresnes."

I ordered a club sandwich, but I'm not even a member. "I like my sandwiches with three pieces of bread." "Well, so do I!" "Then let's form a club." "OK, but we need some more stipulations. Instead of cutting the sandwich once, let's cut it again. Yes, four triangles, arranged in a circle, and in the middle we will dump chips." "How do you feel about frilly toothpicks?" "I'm for 'em!" "Well, this club is formed."

I bought a doughnut and they gave me a receipt for the doughnut. I don't need a receipt for a doughnut. I'll give you the money, you give me the doughnut - end of transaction. We do not need to bring ink and paper into this. I just cannot imagine a scenario where I would have to prove that I bought a doughnut. Some skeptical friend-"Don't even act like I didn't get that doughnut-I got the documentation right here! (pause) Oh wait, it's back home in the file under 'D' for doughnut."

I saw this wino, he was eating grapes. I was like, "Dude, you have to wait."

I went to a restaurant, and I saw a guy wearing a leather jacket, eating a hamburger, drinking a glass of milk. I said, "Dude, you are a cow. The metamorphosis is complete. Don't fall asleep or I will tip you over!"

My girlfriend works at Hooters. In the kitchen.

I ate one anchovy, and that is why I did not eat two anchovies.

I was on a bus once, it was in the middle of the night, and I had a box of crackers and a can of Easy Cheese. It was dark, and it was a surprise how much cheese I had applied on each cracker. That's why they should have a glow-in-the-dark version of Easy Cheese. It's not like the product has any integrity to begin with. If you buy a room-temperature cheese that you squeeze out of a can, you probably won't get mad because it glows in the dark too.

Fettuccini Alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults.

Swiss cheese is the only cheese you can draw and people can identify. You can draw American cheese, but someone will think it's cheddar. It's the only cheese you can bite and miss. "Hey Mitch - does that sandwich have cheese on it?" "Every now and then!"

I hate sandwiches at New York delis. Too much meat on the sandwich. It's like a cow with a cracker on either side. "Would you like anything else with the pastrami sandwich?" "Yeah, a loaf of bread and some other people!"

I think Pringles initial intention was to make tennis balls. But on the day that the rubber was supposed to show up, a big truckload of potatoes arrived. But Pringles is a laid back company. They said, "Screw it. Cut 'em up!"

I think pickles are cucumbers that sold out. They sold their soul to the devil, and the devil is dill.

That would be cool if you could eat a good food with a bad food and the good food would cover for the bad food when it got to your stomach. Like you could eat a carrot with an onion ring and they would travel down to your stomach, then they would get there, and the carrot would say, "It's cool, he's with me."

Wednesday, August 11, 2010

Mexican Cokes, Rum and Ghost Limes

So last week a super awesome friend came over for dinner. Like any decent person, she brought me, the host, some booze. I love my friends. Knowing my weakness for coca-cola, she brought us a couple of real sugar Mexican Cokes, a bottle of no-name rum and some limes, hot damn. These limes served double duty as both a seasoning on our tilapia and a dose of flavor in our rum! So I shaved off a lil' zest using a small pairing knife, I'm so ingenious and resourceful -- I didn't have a zester. We had already knocked back a couple of highballs when we noticed a eerie figure on the lime rinds, a ghost, Jesus, the Mother Mary? You be the judge!

Now We're Talkin

Fried Cheese Grilled Cheese Cheese Steak Cheesecake

Monday, August 9, 2010

I Would Do Anything For Love

Including eating a meatloaf birthday cake.
So, Jen Rock celebrated a birthday last week (Jen Rock of the Dorito Mustard Frozen Pizza fame - see below), and she wanted a meatloaf birthday cake with mashed potato icing. I promised to make one, and promptly handed off all responsibility to my boyfrand who made this meatloaf masterpiece with all the love in the world, adding food coloring to the mashed potatoes to turn them pink, incorporating his grandma's secret meatloaf ingredient of hard-boiled eggs, and flourishing the entire thing with pea and carrot flowers. Sigh.
Here you go!

Around the World in 80 Pringles Flavors

For Liz and her cucumber:

You say potato, I say potato

I consider myself a french fry connoisseur and therefore can't typically be bothered with side items like tater tots and onion rings. But I love hashbrowns. Or in this case, "hash rounds," which I recently ate for the most important meal of the day on a rare occasion when I was up and at em before 10:30 a.m. UNTIL I DISCOVERED THAT I HAD BEEN TRICKED FOR YEARS AND THAT HASH ROUNDS ARE JUST CIRCULAR TATER TOTS!!!! How did i never notice or think about this???
in honor of this feat of trickery, I give you this wonky version of "Baby What a Big Surprise" (Right Before My Very Eyes) (You Are a Tater Tot)