Sunday, March 18, 2012

Friday, February 17, 2012


UPDATE: Jen Rock, Doritos Connoisseur, says the Doritos shell is anti-climactic, and I believe her.
Until Taco Bell starts serving DORITOS LOCOS TACOS (That's Crazy Doritos Tacos for you English speakers). Crazy Doritos Tacos are TACOS in a DORITO shell. DORITO is so fun to say. And fun to eat. Especially when wrapped around taco fillings. Now I want to know what is the "taco" - is it the shell or the filling or the whole shebang? Let's find out. In the meantime, look at this:

According to Google, a taco IS a Doritos Locos Taco. See? It's the first thing that comes up in a simple search:

Also, at some point in the next 20 days, you might want to find out How To Prevent Salmonella.

Saturday, February 4, 2012

The Restaurant Named After What Liz and I Look Like With Sunburns

Every year for Christmas, my mom and dad give me a gift certificate to Red Lobster. I don't know why. I appreciate it, but I don't understand it. Maybe they think it will remind me of family vacations, cause we were the family that went to the beach, passed the local seafood shack, and went straight to Red Lobster. Anyway, I get $25 annually to spend on whatever my heart desires at Red Lobster, when all my heart desires is this:

Please note the grease stains in the biscuit basket.
So Liz should really be blogging this because she LOVES RED LOBSTER, but we went on an Eat Me excursion last Sunday with Travis and Cody, Knoxville's Cutest Couple, and I cashed that shit in. Travis enjoyed the ULTIMATE FEAST of like everything on the menu on one plate and Liz ate crab legs like they were Jude Law's penis. I don't know what Cody ate because I wasn't paying attention, but I do remember that he does not like shrimp and did not want any of the shrimp that Travis was offering him, including maybe the one in Travis's pants cause he probably got too full on cheddar biscuits and beer and didn't want to have sex that night.
I should have ordered $25 of the "Sunset Passion Colada" (WHICH WAS DELICIOUS) and just eaten 10 baskets of Cheddar Bay Biscuits (is Cheddar Bay in Wisconsin, and if so, do the Great Lakes contain lobster?), but instead I had the Four Course Seafood Feast, which is hard to say for some reason, and I'm from Cookeville, Tennessee, so my four courses were all fried and/or came with Ranch dressing. (Side note: longest run-on sentence ever). Except the brownie, which the waitress aptly instructed me to "microwave for 40 seconds" and I can confirm that it was so good at 2 in the morning drizzled with chocolate sauce from a plastic ramekin.
Traditionally circular with a fluted exterior, ramekins can also be found in novelty shapes, such as flowers, hearts or stars. I plagiarized (LIZ: SPELLING BEE WORD) that from Wikipedia. There's a handy link in case you've never heard of Wikipedia.
I don't even know what I'm talking about anymore.


So the zero people who read my post about Bacon-Flavored Effervescent Tabs might remember that my first hypothetical use for this product was Bacon Milkshakes. That was the most ridiculous idea I could dream up, just last week.
Well, lo and behold, Jack in the Box is now serving Bacon Milkshakes. I simply cannot abide by this. It's getting out of hand and making me kind of hate bacon. I want to hide my bacon at the grocery store between 10 boxes of Totino's Pizzas and distract the checkout boy while he's ringing up my bacon so he doesn't realize I'm buying bacon. I want to eat bacon in a tent in my kitchen so that even my dogs don't know I'm eating bacon. I want to brush my teeth between bites of bacon so I can forget that I'm actually eating bacon. I think I hate bacon now. It's a stupid word too. BACON. Fuck off.

See? UGH.

Friday, February 3, 2012

Doritos Fingers

This article should probably be required reading for Eat Me fans (I guess that means me, and sometimes Liz). It's all about how to get the nasty food you eat out of the carpet cause you're so nasty you just rub cheese dust on the couch and pour beer all over everything. But my favorite thing about it is the accompanying photo, which I like to call "Still Life with Doritos Fingers." I want a T-shirt.

"Regardless of What Happens to the Pigs..."

Hormel treats pregnant pigs like shit so we can enjoy a big tub of Spam. . Who knew?! The best part of this story is the understatement of the century: "Regardless of what happens to the pigs, the processing of Spam could use some serious improvement." Uh, I don't think so, dude. Leave that shit alone.
If you're gonna eat Spam, and that's a long shot, I know, you don't even want to think about what it is, how it was made, or where it came from. You just wanna slice it up, fry it, and put it on some white bread. Pretty sure I'm right about that one. That was lunch at my Grandma's house, and it was fine with me.
For the Spam connoisseurs out there, you might wanna try these delicious flavors (I'm sure they're all PORKTASTIC!)

SPAM. WITH CHEESE. (which seems like a dangerous website to visit, but whatever, get spammed) has a recipe exchange where you can learn how to make Spambalaya, Dutch Oven Spam Spuds (uhhh....), Spam Gravy, and "Fancy Spam Appetizer Sandwiches" a recipe title that contains the most oxymorons I've ever seen strung together.
It's almost Super Bowl Sunday, and I suggest you just take Spam. Everyone will love you. Everyone loves Spam. It's Spamtastic. Get Spammed. Have a Spammy Day. Spread that Spam. Get your Spam on. Your underwear.
It's early. This is the first thing I decided to do today. So, Spam Off.

Sunday, January 22, 2012

BFP: Effervescent Bacon Item!

For those who aren't avid Eat Me readers, and I know most of you are, but let's welcome the new kids, BFP is a Bacon Food Product (see our SqueezBacon post of 2011 for further details) and here is another one! Effervescent Bacon Drink Tabs "turn any drink into a bacon-flavored treat", leaving me confused and overwhelmed by the possibilities:
Bacon Milkshakes
Bacon Kool Aid
Bacon Juice
Bacon Tonic
Bacon Red Bull
Bacon Sprite
Actually, there apparently does exist DIET COKE WITH BACON, according to, which is a rabbithole of bacon-related items, and bills itself as "Daily News on the World of Sweet, Sweet Bacon". The things I learn from blogging about shitty food.

Yep, that's the purported can. I don't know how I feel about our need to glorify and make a "thing" even the most basic food item of bacon, but nothing is sacred and nothing is new, so fuck it. I'm in a bad mood now. Thanks, effervescent bacon tablets.

Thursday, January 12, 2012

"I Want a Soft Shell, and This is a Stick-Up"

Thank you, Kate Furst, for pointing out this list of The 30 Best Taco-Related Crimes , which one would never imagine could even be a thing that exists.
This is my favorite:

Featured acts of taco-induced terrorism include a man who threw a Malatov Cocktail into a Taco Bell because his chalupa did not contain the extra meat he was promised, a woman in a wheelchair who "rammed herself through a glass door" to enter a closed Taco Bell, and taco thieves who wielded machetes, shotguns, and knives.
Brings a whole new meaning to Taco Hell. I like my tacos, but damn, son.

Wednesday, January 11, 2012

Steve Albini Has a Food Blog Dot Com

Thank you, Jeremy Bain, for pointing out that Steve Albini Has a Food Blog, which I capitalize because I think it should be a band name and maybe he would produce the first album because it will direct traffic to his food blog, which can be found at and is called Mario Batali Voice because "This is what I made Heather for dinner. The name comes from the way I bring her food in bed and present it to her using an imitation of Mario Batali's voice from TV. When she posted pictures of her dinner on her Facebook I would write a little description and conclude it with the tag (/mariobatalivoice). So that's where that came from." Which is pretty adorable for Steve Albini who I have always imagined to be slightly curmudgeonly.
Mandatory sample post excerpts follow, providing voyeuristic insight into the minutiae of Steve Albini's life, including the fact that he has a mom and his mom has a birthday:
- I didn't want to make a puree out of it while it was still hot, because the bowl of the processor is plastic and I seldom feel comfortable about putting hot things in plastic, not just because I might distort the plastic, but because maybe some mutagen chemical could cook out of it and I'd get face cancer or grow a dick out of each armpit. I tasted a bit of the greens and liked them, but doubted the wisdom of adding nuts because they didn't seem to be doing anything. How little I knew then.
- It seems like the flour will bind with the eggs until satisfied, then no more flour joins the party, so you basically can't fuck it up. I'm all for things I can't fuck up.
- On the phone with mom the other day I felt like a triple dirtbag. 1) I got super busy and didn't call her on her birthday. 2) I remembered as I was falling asleep that I needed to call her in the morning to make up for it, but then I overslept and was late and it slipped my mind. 3) Now I'm on the phone with my mom two days late and apologizing for not calling her on her birthday or the day after. Triple dirtbag. Then she lays this on me, "I've been reading your food blog. You're getting a little too precious with it." A too-precious triple dirtbag. I hang my head.
Here's Mario Batali cause I never heard of him

Friday, January 6, 2012

Woozy Boozy Winter Soupzy

Tice Tansil wants us all to get drunk and stay warm this winter's ass with a hot bowl of hot damn alcohol. He says the big trend of 2012 is getting drunk off soup. I can abide by that. I will kill those two birds with one stone!

Wednesday, January 4, 2012


Or if you want, you can call these bananas BALLTASTIC!
Do you like hot stuff? Do you like ice cream? Do you like bananas? Then EAT ME:

Made from these ingredients:

This delicious dish requires that you chop a habanero pepper and DO NOT TOUCH YOUR EYES OR IMMEDIATELY DECIDE TO REMOVE YOUR CONTACTS FOR SOME REASON cause I did that and it hurts. Saute it in butter for a couple of minutes. Then take two bananas - cut them in half lengthwise, then again the other way. Got that? Eh.
Fry the bananas in butter with the peppers until they look delicious. This won't take long.
Serve the banana, butter and pepper stuff over vanilla ice cream.
Prepare to experience a confusing sensation of extreme heat coupled with extreme cold, kinda like jumping naked into a hot tub after having a snowball fight. Which sounds pretty awesome to me.

Breakfast of Champions 2

Eat Me strongly encourages the use of fried and frozen products, preferably a partnership with a lot of cheese and stuff, in all culinary endeavors. Abby Wintker shared this concoction a while back, and since it's a New Year, Eat Me is back in the swing of things and ready to clog your arteries once more.
Pepper Popper Vegetarian Buffalo Wings Omelette!
1. Thaw desired frozen lard nugs in microwave. Chop. Fry in butter.
2. Start eggs in butter, covered -- it'll be firm in a couple minutes. Onto omelette base place fried nugs, slice of cheddar, and a spoon of cream cheese. Flop over to make the official hot pocket of heart disease.
3. Serve with tater tots and a Silver Bullet.