Bust yer ass on this...

I realize the icy elements of this day are causing us all to be a little unsure on our feet, but this holiday season, the only thing that is going to make me fall down is imbibing in a shameful amount of Simpler Times.

This is my new favorite low brow beer, hell it's really my new favorite beer all the way around. I can't believe I lived in Wisconsin for five years and am only now discovering this Monroe brew. I owe this Eureka! moment to a couple of friends that traveled to Trader Joe's in Nashville smuggling the glorious beverage back with them for me to enjoy. Between the pilsner and the lager I say you can't go wrong either way, but my preference is the lager.

So if you find yourself surrounded by your loved ones this holiday season and being asked things like "When are you going get married?" "When are you going to have a baby?" Let this intoxicant take you back to Simpler Times when the only thing you cared to remember was hopefully his name in the morning.

Breakfast of Champions

God Bless Dave King and this craziness he ate for breakfast:


That's Diet Mountain Dew, 2 sausage biscuits and taquitos with hot sauce for those whose eyes just fell out of their sockets.
I can't say anything, as the following feast of Fried Shoestring Potatoes in a can, chocolate covered peanuts, JUMBO Iced Honey Bun, and Dill Pickle chips was the result of a recent late-night snaxtravaganza in which I challenged myself to choose one item from each aisle of the KenJo. Veggies (pickles and potatoes), Nuts, Honey, all very good for you. And I will now share an Eat Me secret: (microwave your Iced Honey Bun for 30 seconds and it becomes a delicacy straight from the pages of Culinary Couture. Is that a magazine? Because I think I made it up and I'm pretty proud.)

The Secret Four Loko Recipe

I can't wait for the first Four Loko prohibition cave bar to open somewhere deep in the Smoky Mountains, but until then, we'll be making our own using this trusty recipe shared by Cody Clark:

NOOOOOO!!!!!! Not my Four Loko!!!

I guess by now you've heard the stink about the looming FDA ban of Eat Me's favorite beverage, the delicious and nutritious Four Loko. We're stocking up for the long cold winter ahead, but when that runs out we'll be drinking C-Zurrrres!



Watch this awesome clip from The Colbert Report as you lick your wounds, I mean your Four Loko can.

The Colbert Report	Mon - Thurs 11:30pm / 10:30c
Thought for Food - C-Zurrrre, Medal of Hunger Winner & Cheesercize
www.colbertnation.com
Colbert Report Full Episodes 2010 Election March to Keep Fear Alive

Gettin Slinky with Twinkies

In our Reader-Submitted Post of the Day, Morgan Fleming shares this little diet tip:

Hearts and Rainbows

I'm a little late on this one, but Lara Duren and David King (of the turtle bacon fame from posts-past) hosted a pre-Halloween pumpkin carving party complete with this table of goodies, including DORITOS and REESE'S PEANUT BUTTER CUPS, garnering a big thumbs up for the home team. I wish I could transport myself there now and bury my face in a bowl of Chex Mix.

Shit Bowl

We're broke again, and not even in the fun/experimental way. I wanna make a pie, but there's no sugar. I have white bread, but nothing to put on it except mustard. So I recently resorted to this microwaveable packet of Aloo Palak, hearty potatoes and spinach simmered in onions, tomatoes and spices. My ass! It tastes like shit. Seriously, like dirt-caked shit. I love Indian food, but this? Boo.

The Joy of Monochromatic Meals

Like this little feast from my very favorite restaurant, Chandler's on Magnolia Avenue:
Chicken n' dumplins (what!) sweet potatoes (what what!) and macaroni and cheese (what what what!)

(side note: I've been amused by sweet potatoes ever since I dated a Dane who seriously thought putting marshmallows on vegetables was the most fucked up thing in the world. I would make mashed potatoes and he'd be like, "Don't you wanna sprinkle some gummy bears on there or something? We ARE in the South." Ahh, culture. Getchy some.)

Baby bear made me a pancake dog.

I was awakened last Saturday morning to the smell of pancakes and a treat on my plate -- a pancake dog handmade by a baby bear, just-for-me. Since I think it will be quite some time before I can get a real dog, baby bear appeased me with this lil' guy. I didn't even know you could make pancakes into shapes. It was sooo good.

Good morning to you too, Pancake Dog!

May I slather you in butter and maple syrup?

You are the most delicious Pancake Dog ever!

I can only hope your head tastes as good as your ass did.

It did.

Perfect!

Stolen from our friend Tre Berney:

Fish Sandwich and Sanka (from a fan!)

This post is long overdue. Hats off to an Eat Me Knoxville megafan, Jason Cosby, for documenting his awesome lunch back in early August. And as point of reference, I've had the fish at he and his lover's abode before and it is mighty fine. This is his photo essay for the folks of Eat Me to enjoy! Fried fish planks, onions and sanka equal one amazing hot lunch.

Don't forget to blot the grease off for a healthy treat

Always cover any exposed wounds

Never accidentally use Miracle Whip

You can never have too much mayo

Sanka and hot pepper sauce set this lunch off

The glorious end, or is it just the beginning....?

WTF is a Pumpple?

It's a cake with pies baked inside of it, yo!
http://gawker.com/5658799/this-is-a-cake-with-pies-baked-inside-of-it

Dinner for One

So today's 15 hour work day yielded an unsatisfying paycheck and an empty belly, until I realized I work the last 6 hours of my day in a grocery store! That's right, I can have my choice of gluten-free, fresh local organic produce, coconut juice and naturally flavored sparkling waters, yet I chose Chef Boyardee's Lasagna with chunky tomato and meat sauce. I'm not sure that I know what "meat sauce" is, nor do I care to investigate. I've made my decision, and it's awesome. I was feeling a tad sentimental about my childhood today and the lil' Chef Boyardee cup brought it all flooding back, like the switch mark scars on the back of my legs...

Dinner for One

Oooh and I followed it down with a locally bottled and semi-locally brewed beverage, you may have heard before, it's called Coca-Cola... And in the event that you think all I eat is shit, I did indulge in a little "Organic Valley" string cheese...I'm keeping it real by keeping it organic and still keeping it shitty by indulging in bottom of the barrel cheese. Oooh it's so good.

Clean Cup Club!

Big Ed's in Oak Ridge

I don't have any pictures of the pizza because I couldn't even wait to eat it long enough to take a picture. Does that make sense? Whatever, I ate it before I could take a picture of it. Because I was hungry. And it was good.





This guy was seated next to us.

Look How Cool I Am

I have the cutest salt and pepper shakers in the world.

And I made myself this coffee drink with the coolest straw in the world, which I own. The drink is cool because it has coffee ice cubes and is topped with chocolate whipped cream, and I can already feel myself waking up.

Booya!

From Pork Rinds to Cheese Curls, Grippo's brings fun to the party!

Jen Rock returned from Louisville with an Eat Me surprise - two bags of Grippo's Triple Heat BBQ Chips and they are sooooo goood. I can't really remember if they're called Triple Heat because you can't read it in the picture and the bag quickly got demolished. But they were hot and triple good, so Triple Heat it is.
Here's Jen at Preservation Pub hugging her bag of Grippo's:

Too bad we can't get them in Tennessee because I would eat them all the time, with every meal. Including breakfast and fourth meal. I might even eat a fifth meal made entirely of Grippo's. I was curious about these "Grippo's" so I did a little research, and here is what I found at the Grippo's web site :

Grippo's has been making their delicious snack foods since 1919!
In 1930, Angelo Grippo invented the loop pretzel! Mr. Grippo wanted a simple pretzel that could be made easily and would resist breakage! The loop pretzel looks like a tear drop! Mr Grippo not only invented but also constructed and put into operation the pretzel looping machines!
Today, Grippo's pretzels come in a variety of sizes; Rods, Super Thins, Twist, Loop!
You can buy all Grippo's products online, including 60 bags of chips for $18!
Pork rinds are advertised as low carb!
Grippo's is the original "Fun Food Company" because they've been having fun satisfying your craving for snack food for over 80 years! (Since 1919, remember?!)
When someone tells you to "get a grip!" you know what they mean...get Grippo's!

This is Mr. Angelo Grippo, and his wife, whose name is not given, but I'm gonna call her Rosalie, although she looks more like an Esther.

CHOCOLATE GRAVY FOR LIFE

This picture does not do this culinary wonder justice, but after a long night of playin, drinkin, karaoke'in, fightin, and general rabblerousin, a suitable breakfast was necessary. Last weekend we went to Shoney's hoping for the Breakfast Bar, and all we got was the Meat Bar of shrimp, boiled ham, chicken wings, fried chicken, fish sticks, "ribs", and Shoney's mini ham cubes for your Shoney's salad which you HAVE to put chow mein noodles on or it's just not right. Well, that was last week. THIS WEEK, it was all bacon and eggs and Southern Style biscuits with CHOCOLATE GRAVY.
Here's the recipe:
1 cup sugar
3 TB cocoa
5 TB flour
1 1/2 cups milk
1 cup water
1/2 stick butter
Mix the sugar, cocoa, flour, milk and water in a pan over medium heat. Whisk it like your life depends on it. Keep whisking. Whisk for 30 minutes or more until it's almost like pudding. Take it off the heat and add the butter. Stir. Dollop it on your biscuits with generous gluttony. You should ignore the fact that there is 1/2 a stick of butter in there, and butter your biscuits, too. Eat. Smile. Be Happy. Be Full. Take the leftovers to a party where no one knows what chocolate gravy is. Eat their potato casseroles and squash casseroles and homemade pesto and turkey meatloaves and drink their liquor. Watch as your chocolate gravy sits unattended and unappreciated. Take it home after the party and eat it with a spoon before you go to bed. Eat it in bed if you want to. Because IT IS AWESOME.

Tofu. Polenta. What?

So we don't always eat total shit. Josh developed another Bare Cabinet Concoction, this one featuring marinated, baked tofu on a bed of polenta with corn kernels, drizzled in a tomato sauce compote (not really - I don't know what compote is, but I watch a lot of Top Chef), and garnished with the four or five spinach leaves in the fridge that weren't slimy. It was good, and it saved us from splitting a 4 oz. pack of microwaveable grits for dinner.

How to Molest a Meatloaf, Memphis-style

Memphians Kirk and Teresa made this lovely Turkey Meatloaf Penis



And Memphian Mike Smith made meatloaf muffins!

Members Only

We were given permission (three separate times) from all-around awesome Zach Hall to share this lovely montage of his first KFC Double Down experience. From the horse's mouth: "The doubledown is another level of delicious. it makes me put aside all of my earthly concerns, and just bask in the sublime, fat tub." That's what it's all about. Voila!

Meat Turtle

Stolen without permission from the fabulous Lara Duren whose family apparently made this during a recent trip to Portland - I'm a very sneaky stalker.
See it. Believe it.

The Cheesiest, Graviest, Best Poutine Around

This is a little too close to "poontang" for my comfort. Thanks to Alyssa Wolitzky in Vancouver for bringing this culinary mess to my attention.

Raw Power Roadtrip...

This weekend a couple of gals and myself went to Chicago for a punk rock show. We came back with slightly fatter heinies and some major hearing loss.

If you want to know to how survive on the open road just look at this spread we devoured at the Cowboy's Food Stores gas station in Frankfort, Kentucky.

At least one member of our trio was quite impressive in her ability to plan ahead. She brought an amazing taco salad -- and as a side note, should you ever find yourself stuck in middle of Kentucky sans hot sauce, look no further than El Sabroso's Pork Rinds that come with a delicious pack of hot sauce.

If you eat on the picnic bench in front of Cowboy's on a Friday night, you'll be able to indulge in a lil' live music entertainment emanating from Miquel's next door. Enjoy your time in lovely Frankfort.

Once arriving in Chicago, we ate our weight-in burritos and bodega food, as well as some sort of over priced tapas style scallops from a place that serves hipsters head cheese and pork belly. I could show you photos, but just look at some gruppie blog for that...

On a side note - we heard someone get shot while sitting out in the cool night air enjoying said scallops, just a few doors down, ahhh, big city living...terrifying.

Also, if you're in search for weight loss schemes and ran across this blog, I introduce thee to Iggy Pop's methodology for staying trim at 62 -- constant swivel hip skipping on stage, hollaring, crowd surfing, a daily regiment of tanning mixed with semi-synthetic opiates and crystalline tropane alkaloids -- get your shake appeal on friends and you too can still indulge in all the chocolate shakes you can handle from K'town to Chi'town.
 

Cucumbers for Pakistan

I don't know.

Pigburger! Pigburger! Pigburger! Pigburger!

Dixson's BBQ off Magnolia Avenue is quite possibly the best place to eat in the whole wide world and specializes in at least four of Eat Me's favorite food groups: barbecue, cake, potato things, and the food group known as Baked Beans. They're only open at the times when you forget they exist, so if you get a craving for a Pigburger Sunday through Wednesday or on Thursday before 4 p.m., you're totally screwed. But if you happen to remember that you want a Pigburger during the twelve hours they're open in any given week, get your ass over there and eat the best potato salad ever, the best baked beans ever and the best cake ever with your pork patty on white bread that oozes the best barbecue sauce ever and requires a fork and knife to properly ingest. OMG.






This is what you'll feel like after eating all this