Sunday, January 22, 2012

BFP: Effervescent Bacon Item!

For those who aren't avid Eat Me readers, and I know most of you are, but let's welcome the new kids, BFP is a Bacon Food Product (see our SqueezBacon post of 2011 for further details) and here is another one! Effervescent Bacon Drink Tabs "turn any drink into a bacon-flavored treat", leaving me confused and overwhelmed by the possibilities:
Bacon Milkshakes
Bacon Kool Aid
Bacon Juice
Bacon Tonic
Bacon Red Bull
Bacon Sprite
Actually, there apparently does exist DIET COKE WITH BACON, according to, which is a rabbithole of bacon-related items, and bills itself as "Daily News on the World of Sweet, Sweet Bacon". The things I learn from blogging about shitty food.

Yep, that's the purported can. I don't know how I feel about our need to glorify and make a "thing" even the most basic food item of bacon, but nothing is sacred and nothing is new, so fuck it. I'm in a bad mood now. Thanks, effervescent bacon tablets.

Thursday, January 12, 2012

"I Want a Soft Shell, and This is a Stick-Up"

Thank you, Kate Furst, for pointing out this list of The 30 Best Taco-Related Crimes , which one would never imagine could even be a thing that exists.
This is my favorite:

Featured acts of taco-induced terrorism include a man who threw a Malatov Cocktail into a Taco Bell because his chalupa did not contain the extra meat he was promised, a woman in a wheelchair who "rammed herself through a glass door" to enter a closed Taco Bell, and taco thieves who wielded machetes, shotguns, and knives.
Brings a whole new meaning to Taco Hell. I like my tacos, but damn, son.

Wednesday, January 11, 2012

Steve Albini Has a Food Blog Dot Com

Thank you, Jeremy Bain, for pointing out that Steve Albini Has a Food Blog, which I capitalize because I think it should be a band name and maybe he would produce the first album because it will direct traffic to his food blog, which can be found at and is called Mario Batali Voice because "This is what I made Heather for dinner. The name comes from the way I bring her food in bed and present it to her using an imitation of Mario Batali's voice from TV. When she posted pictures of her dinner on her Facebook I would write a little description and conclude it with the tag (/mariobatalivoice). So that's where that came from." Which is pretty adorable for Steve Albini who I have always imagined to be slightly curmudgeonly.
Mandatory sample post excerpts follow, providing voyeuristic insight into the minutiae of Steve Albini's life, including the fact that he has a mom and his mom has a birthday:
- I didn't want to make a puree out of it while it was still hot, because the bowl of the processor is plastic and I seldom feel comfortable about putting hot things in plastic, not just because I might distort the plastic, but because maybe some mutagen chemical could cook out of it and I'd get face cancer or grow a dick out of each armpit. I tasted a bit of the greens and liked them, but doubted the wisdom of adding nuts because they didn't seem to be doing anything. How little I knew then.
- It seems like the flour will bind with the eggs until satisfied, then no more flour joins the party, so you basically can't fuck it up. I'm all for things I can't fuck up.
- On the phone with mom the other day I felt like a triple dirtbag. 1) I got super busy and didn't call her on her birthday. 2) I remembered as I was falling asleep that I needed to call her in the morning to make up for it, but then I overslept and was late and it slipped my mind. 3) Now I'm on the phone with my mom two days late and apologizing for not calling her on her birthday or the day after. Triple dirtbag. Then she lays this on me, "I've been reading your food blog. You're getting a little too precious with it." A too-precious triple dirtbag. I hang my head.
Here's Mario Batali cause I never heard of him

Friday, January 6, 2012

Woozy Boozy Winter Soupzy

Tice Tansil wants us all to get drunk and stay warm this winter's ass with a hot bowl of hot damn alcohol. He says the big trend of 2012 is getting drunk off soup. I can abide by that. I will kill those two birds with one stone!

Wednesday, January 4, 2012


Or if you want, you can call these bananas BALLTASTIC!
Do you like hot stuff? Do you like ice cream? Do you like bananas? Then EAT ME:

Made from these ingredients:

This delicious dish requires that you chop a habanero pepper and DO NOT TOUCH YOUR EYES OR IMMEDIATELY DECIDE TO REMOVE YOUR CONTACTS FOR SOME REASON cause I did that and it hurts. Saute it in butter for a couple of minutes. Then take two bananas - cut them in half lengthwise, then again the other way. Got that? Eh.
Fry the bananas in butter with the peppers until they look delicious. This won't take long.
Serve the banana, butter and pepper stuff over vanilla ice cream.
Prepare to experience a confusing sensation of extreme heat coupled with extreme cold, kinda like jumping naked into a hot tub after having a snowball fight. Which sounds pretty awesome to me.

Breakfast of Champions 2

Eat Me strongly encourages the use of fried and frozen products, preferably a partnership with a lot of cheese and stuff, in all culinary endeavors. Abby Wintker shared this concoction a while back, and since it's a New Year, Eat Me is back in the swing of things and ready to clog your arteries once more.
Pepper Popper Vegetarian Buffalo Wings Omelette!
1. Thaw desired frozen lard nugs in microwave. Chop. Fry in butter.
2. Start eggs in butter, covered -- it'll be firm in a couple minutes. Onto omelette base place fried nugs, slice of cheddar, and a spoon of cream cheese. Flop over to make the official hot pocket of heart disease.
3. Serve with tater tots and a Silver Bullet.