You know how we love squeez-cheez, but now there's this:
I first assumed it was a work of fiction, but I refuse to post anything without doing my homework, so a quick click on that link up there will take you to more information about Vilhelm Lilleflask's Squeez Bacon than you ever wanted to know. It's creating a whirlwind of internal conflict as I struggle to reconcile the image and information before me, and figure out how we got to this point as a species.
A) "This is fully cooked 100% bacon paste that can be squeezed from a tube"
B) This is "paradigm-shifting"
C) "This delicious delectable from Sweden has finally been brought over to the USA - now with American Flavor!" What is this dreaded "American Flavor"?? I'm scared.
D) It claims to be "simply the tastiest bacon food product (that's BFP for future reference) ever made. Did you know that it's rumored ABBA met while eating Squeez Bacon® sandwiches? And even IKEA founder Ingvar Kamprad (we've heard) never travels without a case! He loves it on his American style meatballs. Ojojoj!"
E) WTF is Ojojoj?!?!?! How do I say it and in what setting is it an appropriate exclamation? It sounds dirty: "I walked in on my roommate having sex and Ojojoj!" Also, since when are ABBA and IKEA founder Ingvar Kamprad the chosen spokespeople for ANYTHING? Since you're Swedish? Does Dolph Lundgren eat this shit? (Yes, he's Swedish, despite what Rocky IV might lead you to believe - if you're doubtful, do what I did and visit Wikipedia's List of Swedish People)
F) The website claims that each serving is "as healthy as real bacon, and equivalent to 4 premium slices of bacon! You can put it on sandwiches, pizza, pastas, bacon, soups, pies, eat it hot or cold (warm Squeez Bacon® on toasted rye is to die for), substitute it for bacon in your recipes, or even eat it right out of the tube like we do! If it's edible, it's better with Squeez Bacon®." And for those trademark thieves out there, don't think you can put your bacon bits in a tube and call it Squeez Bacon CAUSE THAT SHIT IS A REGISTERED TRADEMARK, YO!
G) I have now rendered your visit to the website useless by indiscriminately cutting and pasting the entire thing here, but we'll continue:
H) The now-totally-copied-verbatim website also states, "In the immortal words of Vilhelm Lillefläsk, "Aldrig kommer att ge dig upp!" Once you get a taste of Squeez Bacon®, you'll know exactly what he meant." According to my handy Internet translator at Gramtrans.com, our ole buddy Vilhelm was trying to say, "Never come to give you up!" and even without trying Squeez Bacon(R), I think I know exactly what he meant.
I) Finally, I give you this:
Each tube contains 21oz (595g) of Squeez Bacon®.
16 servings - equivalent to 64 slices of bacon!
Bottled in Sweden, made from U.S. bred swine.
Shelf Life of 12 years.
No refrigeration needed.
Jätte gott! (which my online translator oh-so-conveniently tells me means "Jatte well" - Live well? Eat well? Be well? Die well? WTF does Jatte mean?? I'm gonna follow up on this piece by interviewing my real live Swedish friend Bjorn Lofgren for actual translation and to get a Swede's perspective on this abomination/gift from heaven. Stay tuned for Part 2...